It seems that nothing is going right. What’s the worst thing? Nobody gets it even if they claim to.
You feel compelled to ask others what they think you should be doing, even though you are aware that this situation is temporary. You feel relieved if they tell you what you want. It doesn’t work like that. You may even become more frustrated once you hear their opinion.
All of us have been there.
What advice did you receive that you found useful or irritating? They said you should have done it differently, but that wasn’t useful to you after the event.
Did they tell to stop being sorry for yourself, because others have worse problems? They may have given you cliched advice or some platitudes that were impossible to follow.
You can feel the hopelessness in their eyes when they have problems that are seemingly unending and incurable. You want to fix the problem, but it seems impossible from the outside.
You may not know what to say, but feel compelled nonetheless. It’s always different from the outside looking in.
Even if others have bigger problems, we still focus on our own, because in the moment, what matters is how feel.
You have to accept that sometimes you cannot, or at least not immediately, help someone who is in a vulnerable state. That’s okay. When someone approaches you, they don’t expect you to be able to answer all their questions or to even speak.
They want someone who will listen to them and stand by their side during a tough time.
Understanding this is the key to giving good advice. It’s not always words and answers. How can you be of help to someone in their darkest hour?
1. Advise without permission.
When you care about someone and think you know how to improve their situation, it’s tempting to play amateur psychiatrist–especially if you’ve been there before. You may have experienced frustration if you’ve been at the other end of this situation.
Asking them “Do you have any ideas on how to improve the situation?” will give them the option of saying no and they are more likely to pay attention to you if they accept your advice.
2. Give them a window to rant.
When people ask for your advice, they often want to talk about something that they just can’t seem to get out of their head. They’ve probably discussed it with many people (or even to anyone who would listen).
It is best to support both their wants and their needs. Want: Tell the story over and over again, as if it will change their feelings if only they talk about it. Need: let go of it. You can tell them that you are there to hear everything they have to say. You’d like to help them get on with their lives once they’ve said everything.
3. Be honest.
It’s okay if you don’t understand how someone else feels. You’ll probably still be able to empathize with them on some level. You can tell them that you are not familiar with their situation, but will try to understand it as much as you can.
Don’t be shy about telling them you have nothing to say. You can be an ear and think about the issue, then share your thoughts.
4. Avoid judging.
Probability is, when someone asks for your help, they are already feeling vulnerable. You have their trust to listen without being condescending or judgmental.
Instead of starting your advice by saying, “You should’ve,” or “Why did you …?” not realize what was done is done?” focus on what the person can do now or what they could change. You can say something like “It may be helpful to consider ….”” and then offer your support.
5. Make it a collaborative effort.
Finding the answer to a question and then delivering it in a message can be gratifying. When you know exactly what someone can or should do, it’s like you are a detective who can give good advice. It feels even better when the words you use to express your thoughts are eloquent.
This can come across as superiority. You probably don’t mean to do this. You can say, “I’m not the expert, but I would love to help you find what is right for you.” After a few minutes of talking, you can bring it up again. What are your thoughts on that?
6. Offer long-term support.
She doesn’t just want a list of things to do to get rid of her boyfriend, she wants to be supported in finding the courage and strength to go through with it. Your friend is not just looking for tips on how to change careers. She wants help in making this scary, but positive change.
You don’t need to have all the answers. Most people are aware of what they want and know that it’s the right thing for them. They just need to be validated.
7. Don’t make promises.
You can’t predict the outcome, even if you have been in a similar situation before. You could have a friend who approaches her boss the same way you did to ask for a promotion and then be demoted. She might even blame you.
Focus on the possibilities that exist within the uncertainty. Make sure your sister understands that taking a chance is a risk. You can help her to weigh all the outcomes, positive and negative, so that she can decide whether it is worth the reward.
8. We recommend a reading.
You will feel empowered and confident when you take the initiative to seek out the answers yourself. You can make your friend feel empowered by pointing them in the direction of books that will enable him to help himself.
After gaining new insights through reading, he’ll feel better than after sitting through a long lecture. Begin by saying “I found something that could help you put things into perspective …”
9. Speak from the heart.
You can also be kind instead of using words. If you have already given advice and you realize that it won’t help, this is the best approach.
Send a “thinking of” card or a package containing sweets and light readings to the person. Some people need to be reminded that their problems aren’t the worst thing in the world, and there are many other positive things happening in their lives.
10. Plan ahead.
You don’t need to be the expert on all things. But you can make some other things happen.
Plan an exciting weekend trip or daytrip (for those on a budget) with a friend. Make a memorable memory by setting a date. When people get away and relax, they often find the answers to their own problems.
